Why is it that so many relationships do not work out they way we expected them to work out? The answer is in the question. Because of the expectations.
Expecting things to work out the way we want them to work out is a great thing as long as there are no conditions set. Once you set conditions you give your power away. The most common condition people set when they start a relationship is that the other person has to behave in a way that pleases them so they can feel good when they spend time with them. It sounds logical because everyone likes spending time with people they can have fun with. However when you keep other people responsible for your happiness or lack of happiness you become vulnerable.
You expect others to make you happy and when thy are not, you tend to blame other people for it, usually your partner or your boss. If not them you will blame your parents, or your government, the bus driver or the weather. Anyone or anything that you can relate to your current situation.
You can probably more easily pass by the fact that the government and the weather is not there to please you. You can maybe even understand that your friends have other things to deal with so they cannot always be there for you. But what about your partner? He or she is supposed to make you happy, because that is what partners do, do not they? So why does he spend so much time with his friends after work and why is she doing so much overtime? Why cannot we spend the weekend together? Why is he so untidy and lazy? And why is she in a tantrum all the time and expect me to do things I do not want to do? When your partner does not please you with his or her behavior you feel disappointed and mad, and you blame him or her for your feelings. So you talk about it. And you tell you partner that he or she has to change because you are not happy. He or she needs to do something differently to please you. So you are handing over your power once again. And it goes on until you realize that he or she will not change to please you. Then you maybe break up and look for another partner. And you will indeed find one, who is exactly the same as the previous one, just looks differently. So what is going on? Is not there anyone out there who I can be happy with?
In reality your happiness is not dependent on others. You are the only one who can make you happy and the only one who can make you unhappy. When you realize this, you will take your power back by not expecting anyone to act in a way that it pleases you and you will not act to please anyone either. You only need to please yourself. And when you look at your partner and anyone else with appreciation and love they will seem so much different. When you make a list of their positive qualities and everything you love about them and you keep that in your mind when you interact with them, you will only be able to see what you are looking for. Nobody likes to be under pressure. What do you do with those people who expect too much from you and keep you under pressure all the time? You will avoid them, won`t you? Do you ever call those people who complain that you never call them when you “accidentally” run into them? I do not think so…
Exactly the same way as this, you cannot force and cannot expect anyone to spend more time with you or to change in any way in order to please you. They will never change just for you unless they eager for that change too. They might act like they have changed but if it is something they do not really want or care about it will not be permanent for sure. But you can change! You can change the way you are looking at them. And as you do so, very often, people will change too.
People around us always show a mirror to us with their behavior. They are reflecting us back our emotions. When you feel annoyed with someone because they do not do something you want them to do in a way you like it, you feel negative about them, because in that moment you are focused upon something you do not like about them and your emotions are matching your thoughts so you feel annoyed or frustrated, helpless and powerless. In their behavior these exact emotions will be reflected back to you.
If you realize this, you will never again blame the other person for your unhappiness, you will not look at them like someone who caused you headache. In fact you will even be grateful for that person for helping you to realize you were focused upon something you do not want in your life instead of something that you want to experience. When you are stubborn enough to look at the people around you with true appreciation and acceptance they will have no other choice but to reflect you back your positively changed emotions.
Just like when you look into the mirror and you look sullen, your reflection will never smile back at you. You need to smile first. When you want your partner to be nicer to you or your boss to respect you or your friends to spend more time with you, you need to feel them as they are nicer and they are respecting and caring.
So when you discover that you do not like something and you wish the other person would change, you need to acknowledge that it is you who need to change first so they can change too. The earlier you realize this the easier it gets to change because the momentum is not strong.
If you are in a relationship for a long time and you have similar things going on for a while it will take time for you to change your focus. So you will need to be patient and committed to focus upon good feeling thoughts even when you are observing something you do not like. As you do this you will start a positive momentum and as you keep your focus on the positive emotions it will get stronger and stronger as the negative momentum subsides. That is the game, and it will get easier and easier.
This is the only way to experience unconditional love. When others do not need to do anything or behave in any special way or look, think, sound or smell like in any way that you like it because you can still love them is deliberating and exhilarating. When you can love someone for simply being and existing is beyond words. It is powerful because when you practice this you will find that inside you only have love for another. Love that is so pure and precious and miraculous that it is you.
There are no inappropriate people doing inappropriate things. There are only people doing things. The adjectives are always chosen by you. Be careful what you choose because that will determine their behavior towards you.
Hollaa 